USCHerd, a USC fan site celebrating the USC Fan.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Happy Valentine's Day from TheRealAlLopez


Herd Personal Ad for me, the RealAlLopez
By TheRealAlLopez

What can I say? Here is my story. It's long and boring and sad, but since most Herdmembers are used to reading Brooks' posts, this might seem interesting in comparison.

So my favorite TV show, The Hollywood Squares on the Classic Game Show Channel, had just ended. It was the episode where Paul Lynde was funny, you know the one, so I got on the computer, and went to The Herd Forum to read up on my USC Football Trojans. The Herd Forum is hosted on www.uscfootball.com if you didn't know. The Trojans and the Herd are the love of my lonely life, besides the Hollywood Squares, and as I was trying to understand some of Brooks' jokes, I decided I needed a break, so I started browing through www.valleytrojan.com. That's a great photo site. I feel like I'm actually at one of the Herd tailgates, or one of the uscfootball.com tailgates. All the smiling, happy people, and I bet you would think that would make me depressed, since no one takes any pictures of me, but it has the opposite effect. I enjoy that site.

Though I've been a USC fan my whole life, and consider myself a Herdmember, I've yet to get to the Coliseum and join the Herd at a tailgate or standing on the rail at the Section 11 tunnel, yelling my Trojans onward to victory. Don't get me wrong, I'm there in spirit. When I'm on my couch watching every USC home game, I want to be up cheering, so the desire is there if not the actual action. And hey, the Herd has said that you don't have to sit with the Herd to be in the Herd, and I'm a perfect example of that. I have my XXX Large Herd shirts that are a little tight, that Brooks has sent me through the mail, so I put 'em on and watch my Trojans on TV, or on TIVO if a good Hollywood Squares episode is on, and I'm there in my head, at the Coliseum, standing during every play, yelling my ass off.

But I digress, back to my story. I was browsing Valley Trojan's pic site so I could see some of my fellow Herdmembers, when lo and behold I came across the pictures of Shakira as a USC fan. Shakira! (photo right: Janet and Shakira) Who knew? I've heard of Snoop Dogg and Will Ferrell as big Trojan fans, but Shakira? Damn. That's when my life got some purpose. I knew I had to get off the couch, turn off Hollywood Squares, and make an attempt to get to the Coliseum and meet my dream woman. Of course, Shakira would be my dream woman if she were 20 years older and not a multi-talented recording artist who wouldn't glance in my direction for a nano second, but nevertheless, there are USC Trojan women out there looking for a large Trojan lover like myself. Anyway I'm off point again. What I did, after my earth-shattering Shakira experience, was to email Mojack and plead my case. I said, "Mojack, this is TheRealAlLopez. My wife of 20 years left me about 20 years ago, and I feel it's now time to venture out of my one bedroom North Hollywood apartment and meet the next Mrs.RealAlLopez. Can you help a brother out?"

Mojack was very accommodating, he said that since the Herdblog was between his rudimentary football articles or interviews with former players or Herders of the Week posts, that I should put together a personal ad and sell myself to the world. He said there were lots of single folks in the Herd, and that maybe I could start a trend of Herd personal ads on this Herd blog. What did I have to lose, I thought to myself, my wife, Maria Rodrigo Consuela Margarita Evans Lopez, or ex-wife I should say left me for a guy who looked like that guy on Fantasy Island. Not Ricardo Montalban, the other guy, the little guy. (photo left: Herve and ex-wife in red flower) And who am I to call anyone little? I'm only 5'6" myself, but I'm a blackbelt, or was 40 years ago when I was in the Marines. The Merchant Marines, actually, but I think it sounds better when I tell people I was in the Marines. The point being that Mojack told me there was nothing wrong with being desperate and getting on the web and telling people I was desperate. It wouldn't necessarily be a cry for help as it would be a good source of entertainment. I had a little trouble following that last point, but nevertheless I did agree that I had nothing to lose. (photo right: Shakira with Ryan Abraham at a uscfootball.com tailgate) Women in USC gear who look like Shakira don't deliver pizzas to my house. Actually, nobody who wears USC gear delivers pizza to my house, but I'm not here to go off on the Bruin service industry, this is my space to get attention to my plight.

Oops, my bad, here I am starting to feel sorry for myself, but I have to remember I have my own landscaping business, and I'm a fan of the greatest football team in America, the USC Trojans. Mojack said I have to pimp my bad self, and he's right. I am a catch for the right lady who wants to cook and clean for me, and share my couch as we watch hours and hours of TV together. So Mojack sent me some questions to answer, and I did my best answering them:

City: Beautiful North Hollywood, California (photo left: view outside my apartment)

Age: Older than Mel Gibson. Younger than Vincent Price.

Ethnicity: Yes

Hair:
I have some on my head and back and other places.

Body:
Yes.

Ideal First Date:
Hometown Buffet

Most Romantic Evening:
A Long Time Ago

About Me:

I am my own man. Own my own business. I used to be a security guard, for 3 decades, but the rigorous training, and day to day danger of watching video monitors was very stressful. I used to have a crush on Lindsay Soto, but have decided that she's too young and too talented for me to have a crush on her. (photo right: This is kind of what I looked like 40 years ago) There are lots of girls in the Herd that I see on Valley Trojan's site, and again, they're too young and are too full of life for an old retired security guard landscape artist like me. I need more of a woman who has been beaten down by life, ready to give it all up, with no hope left. That's where I'll come in, like a vulture, to hopefully resuscitate her spirit, and we can do it watching the Trojans together.

I also like to watch TV, especially the Hollywood Squares, and USC football. Some people say I'm funny like George Lopez or Paul Reubens. But other people don't think those guys are funny at all, so I don't know if I'm funny or if people are putting me down by comparing me to those guys. Here's the bottom line: I'm in the Herd. I love USC football. I'm lonely. And I need help. So I turned to Mojack. That's always the first step. Admitting you're powerless over your love of USC football. And the Hollywood Squares. Did I forget to mention that?

2 comments:

ValleyTrojan said...

Hey....Robert was cool (the Sushi Chef). LOL!

Okay...who's the lurker looking down Shakira's chestline?

Lisa said...

Thanks for sharing Al. Hope to meet you finally this coming season...

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