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Monday, January 22, 2007

Kiffen No More. Who will be our Scapegoat?

Where or where has our Kiffen Gone?
by Mojack

The ESPN press release flashed, "
Lane Kiffin becomes the Raiders' 16th head coach -- and the youngest in franchise history. Lane Kiffin, Offensive Coordinator at Southern California, agreed Monday night to a five-year contract to replace Art Shell as head coach of the Oakland Raiders. Kiffin, the 31-year-old son of Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive coordinator Monte Kiffin, becomes the youngest coach in the NFL." (photo right: Laocoon's reaction when he heard the Lane Kiffen news)

A "YEEAAAAHHHH" email almost instanteously arrived in my email. I won't say who it was from, but it wasn't from Fidel Castro. Notice the Cuban reference? It was not from Fidel, I said.

But this article isn't about happiness over Al Davis and his new hire, this is about the Herd and USC and what's going to happen now that our favorite scapegoat isn't around. See, we haven't just lost the offensive coordinator at USC, the offensive coordinator of the team that scored 32 points against a very good Michigan defense on January 1st, 2007. No, we lost the offensive coordinator who could only score 9 points against the woeful UCLA Bruins.

Mojack wrote once on the Herd board (if I'm writing the article, can I reference myself in it?), "It's my right as a Trojan fan to expect the USC offense to score 30-40 points every game. And if they don't, it's my right to be pissed off about it." Where did that anger land usually during the last two years? On Lane Kiffen's young 31 year-old lap. Conversely, Brooks wrote, "I love Kiffen, he is my new best friend." That's understandable though. Kiffen doesn't know Brooks. That's the only way Brooks can qualify someone as a friend.

More reactions to this bizarre hire came in. SCPriest wrote, "Another great hire for the great Oakland Raider. Bear fans please remember that you had a myopic George Halas for a while. The Raiders are going through myopia and will rise up one day." SCPriest is compassionate, a great Trojan, a caring human, and who knew he could write such great comedy. Douger replied, "raiduhs suck!" mpron followed that with, "Kiffen just received a demotion." That seems to be the general consensus of 99.9% of rational, thinking football fans, that the Raiders suck and What the Hell is Kiff doing? That's what Grover reiterated, "Dumb, dumb, dumb move on Kiff's part. He won't be coaching the raiders, Al Davis is the coach....always has been, always will. What a career killing move for Kiff. Too bad."

Trojan Odyssey had the best suggestion of the day, "We should fire Kiffen, make him leave on OUR terms." I think T.O. was kidding though. But, still a great idea nonetheless.

But people were confused. Trojan Belle asked, "Did Al Davis just run out of viable candidates? Kiffen wasn't even a possibility a few days ago. I sure hope he works out for them. Given a choice I would rather we keep Sark and I can't begin to tell you why I feel that way. This off season just seems weird." Weird on the Herd board is relative, but still it will get weirder that we don't have our scapegoat around. Who will take his place?

Manny threw a scapegoat name in the hat, "Too bad Kiffen can't take Booty with him, we want Sanchez." Somehow I don't think the almost-MVP of the Rose Bowl and a preseason Heisman Trophy candidate is going to be our scapegoat. Check back with me after the first few games though. We are fickle around here don't you know.

From an old post, Mike in Torrance nominated an "Underage drunken recruit on official visit to University of New Mexico. He got shot four times in a fight in a strip club. Now he's hoping to go to Oregon St. Hasn't he heard that Erickson left OSU, and is now at ASU?" Wouldn't that kid be fun to have at USC? We'd never be bored with a player of those scapegoat qualifications.

Yucca just sent me another email with this suggestion, "Bat Boy should be our scapegoat. Let me give you some history. During the 1990's Bat Boy is rumored to have tried to escape society's gaze by enrolling in a small liberal arts college in upstate New York under the assumed name of Guy Fledermaus. In February 2001 he allegedly attacked a fifth-grader on the Tea Cup ride in Disneyworld. The next day, he endorsed presidential candidate Al Gore. (photo right: cardinal and gold Bat Boy at the Rose Bowl) In August of 2003, Bat Boy announced he was running for the governorship of California. Arnold barely beat Bat Boy for the nomination. And on December 2nd, 2006, Bat Boy was seen at the Rose Bowl. Rumors persist that USC Offensive Coordinator Lane Kiffen was taken ill by a bad churro, sold to him outside the Rose Bowl by me "Yucca the Churro Chief" and that Bat Boy had taken over the offensive play calling reins for the disposed Kiffen. After the game when Bat Boy was asked, "How come USC only scored a dismal 9 points against the Bruins?" Bat Boy replied, "That was 9 points more than the 2001 Bruins scored against USC, wasn't it?" Valid point, right, right?"

I will no longer accept emails from Yucca the Churro Chief.

Grover would never throw a golfer under the bus, but SCRed seems to have no problem with that, "Who said mullets who out of style? I did. They still look stupid. Even Barry Melrose cut a few inches off. Randy Johnson is clean cut. John Daly may have killed a lot of brain cells, but he has enough left to figure out that he needed a hair cut. Memo to Charley Hoffman: You spell your name wrong and mullets do not rock. " I assume SCRed was either implying Charley Hoffman should be our new offensive coordinator or that he secretly wants a mullet of his own.

Finally, Shorty chimed in by saying he was too busy raising money for "Wetbed Preservation" to care about the Lane Kiffen situation. What is "Wetbed Preservation" anyways? Whatever it is, that reminded me of SCKid and his hero, Lance Kerwin (this is a joke, SCKid idolizes Steve Garvey, not Lance Kerwin). Lance Kerwin starred in a made-for-television drama "The Lonliest Runner" about a young man who overcomes his bedwetting problem and becomes an Olympic star. Maybe subconsciously, Shorty is telling us that Lance Kerwin should be the new offensive coordinator, or we should post more about his bed-wetting problems, and get our aggressions out on Lance Kerwin's weak bladder. (photo right: dreamy Lance Kerwin)

It's a complicated process, this finding a new scapegoat. I doubt we'll accomplish it in one day. Maybe the best thing that can be said was written by Brooks when he posted, "Good luck Kiff, He took a lot of heat from those who thought he was the problem with the offense."

Good luck indeed. The Raiders. He'll need it.

3 comments:

Brooks said...

When writing police reports for the Anaheim PD, the officers used to refer to himself as "the undersigned." I always thought that was stupid so I just said I or me. I was passed over 17 times for promotion but it caught on.

Our next scapegoat will be Pete if he continues to insist on calling runs on first down.

Mojack said...

Comment moderation has been turned off. Flail away.

usclarry said...

Pete had a much larger handprint on the offense than people realize. It will be interesting to see what the true shakeout of these changes will be in this coming year.

The personnel is intact for a National Championship this coming year, if the offense continues to be sporadic during this coming season, I would not necessarily lay the blame at Sarkisian's feet.

Pete's downfall in the NFL was micromanaging, I hope that he does not go down that path now.

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